i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
