She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?