Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
