This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm at about main and main street
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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