Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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