I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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