he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Two words: nipple clamps
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