I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
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