her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
