She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
