i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Randomize
