You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
did i walk over a car last night?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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