can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
