Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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