apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
