Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i barfeds in our rink
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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