oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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