The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
