Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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