But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
