I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
