He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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