i just had sex bonerless
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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