you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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