As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
