get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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