This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
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