you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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