Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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