i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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