There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
