Non-Jews are for practice
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
