There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
