The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
