dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
