apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize