Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
