Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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