Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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