And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
