In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
