9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
