So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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