definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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