Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
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It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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