she was so not down for the gang bang
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
