What a fucking waste of an outfit
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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