I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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