My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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