Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize