He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You dont lie about slip and slides
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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