is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Sorry about my life...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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