she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
