My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
