jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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