so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
