and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
