Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
