Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
